Wednesday, May 4, 2011

If she's not Suzy, then whose been kicking me?

So here I am at 23 weeks pregnant (my doctor said "yeah, you made it more than halfway!") and though I feel I have made all this progress there has definitely been a major step back this week.  Prior to my 18 week ultrasound I was determined to have chosen names for the baby.  This resulted in list making, baby name book buying and lots of thinking.  Chet and I chose Wyatt almost right away but the girl name was harder for us.  We have very different tastes and we simply could not agree on name for several weeks.
At last, during a conversation Chet agreed to Suzanne, my favorite pick.  I was gleeful and he was careless.  In retrospect I now see he did this because he was pretty sure we were having a boy and he was ready to be done with the conversation, not because he actually liked the name or intended to use it.  I shared the name with friends, I rejoiced!  And sure enough, the ultrasound revealed a little girl!  Hooray for baby Suzy!  I talked to my belly, I bonded with her as my baby girl Suzy.  I referred to her by name, I pictured a little pigtailed girl Suzy running around my kitchen.  I even imagined yelling at her with the extra syllable emphasis "SU-ZANNE!".  I was completely in love with the name. 

But almost immediately after the ultrasound, Chet started to back track saying he didn't like the name.  At first I ignored him, he was just giving me a hard time because it was the girl I hoped it would be.  He joked that he would call her "jip" because he got gypped with another girl.  It was funny, and I thought mostly jokes.  I thought "he will come around to the name since he agreed to it already".  I had even made him say at the time "I like it" so he must have been OK with it.  And even if it wasn't his favorite name, I thought he would settle for it since this clearly was what I wanted and shouldn't the lady carrying the baby have more say?  Didn't I have the right to put my foot down on this topic considering all I was going through to have the baby?  Just like Callie said on Grey's Anatomy, the Dad gets a vote, the Mom gets a vote and the vagina gets a vote.  That ruled 2-1 in favor of the name Suzy. 
Sadly, it became more and more clear to me that Chet was not on board with the name and he continued to comment on his dislike for the name choice.  As the reality of this sunk in, I was heart broken.  I cried big crocodile, hormone induced tears.  I sobbed!  I loved the name!  I felt the name issue had long been decided and I was extremely attached.  If it wasn't Suzy, then who is it in there kicking me? 

Then I thought we had reached a compromise, he wanted to nick name her "Trixie" and I agreed if  her real name would still be Suzy.  I thought this was a brilliant idea, and fun name between daddy and daughter and something special the two of them could share.  I quickly went back to my happy place, and thought we had reached a solution.  It was short lived, because when I probed him the following day he said he could never picture himself introducing her as Suzy or Suzanne, which is the name I thought we would normally use.  It was one thing to have a nick name used at home, but it's something else to have half of the world calling her by one name and the the other half of the world knows her as another name.  In the hopes of not giving the child two names and confusing her we went back to the drawing board. 
So here we are.  23 weeks down, 17 more to go.  116 days till her due date.  And nameless.
Yes, I know we have 4 months to decide.  Yes, I know we should choose a name we BOTH like.  Yes, I know this is important and we can't rush it.  So while I go back to list making and thinking I am also trying to come to terms with the idea that this little girl in my belly isn't Suzy after all.  That has been harder than choosing new names.  Don't get me wrong, it's not hopeless but I am sad.   Will I ever love another name like I did with Suzanne?  Does it matter if I settle on something I like less?  Big picture perspective says what really matters is that we love our daughter, and really everything else is just paperwork.

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