Friday, July 22, 2011

You know you're in the 3rd trimester when...

Anyone whose has experienced a pregnancy will tell you the end is the hardest.  This unbelievable heat has only compounded my uncomfortableness.  So in an effort to stay positive (the opposite of my whine post) I thought I would poke a little fun at all the challenges a very round belly throws at you.  Humor is after all, the best medicine.  I did get my gripping out of the way, and several friends did their part to help cheer me up!  Shout out to Rachel, Sarah and Sasha who surprised me with sno cones, and Michelle who hung out with me!  Thanks for making the time go a little faster for me and cooling me down, I appreciate the effort!

But now on to the funny parts of pregnancy that you just have to laugh about, mostly because there is nothing else you can really do about it anyway!

You know you're in the 3rd trimester when...

1.  Items that get dropped on the floor tend to stay there.  It takes a good amount of thought and preparation to retrieve it at this point so unless its really important or made of chocolate I am going to leave it on the ground.  My kitten Trixie seems to enjoy the additional toys anyway. Currently scattered about my home: a christmas bow that fell from the wrapping cabinet, several pens, at least 3 hair ties, spare change, and a collection of other random objects that fell from pockets, purses or bags. 

2.  Something that triggers a craving or tastes amazing ends being up consumed in large portions, and quickly.  I recently made a batch of homemade Tasky Cakes, they didn't survive two days!  Thankfully I was smart enough to bring half the pan to work with me to share with my co-workers but I ate the rest!  And I cut them into shamefully large pieces, but it was AMAZING!  Same goes for ice cream, watermelon, milk, cereal, and pretty much anything chocolate in my house.  Chet tried to take a cherry from the bowl I was eating and I had to stifle the urge to growl at him. 

3. Lets talk about getting dressed in the morning.  I battle putting on my undies every day.  The day Chet caught me slowly turning in circles trying to step into a pair made him question my sanity.  Even I have to laugh thinking about how often I fall over while struggling to do this simple task.  Who knew underwear would present such a challenge?

4.  My view is hysterical.  Looking down I can no longer see belly button or anything below.  My bump is now a shelf, crumb catcher, and has it's own zip code.  The only problem is even though I know its there, I still misjudge spaces all the time.  I whack my belly into doors, bump it trying to squeeze in tight spaces and bang it against counters and the sink all the time.  You'd think I would have adjusted but I constantly find myself thinking "Oh yeah, forgot that was there".

5.  Rolling out of bed now requires a pep talk and a count down... "Three, two, one, GO!"  Getting off the love seat requires me to roll onto the floor on all fours, grab the coffee table to get onto one foot, then heave myself up to standing.  It's like a little circus show only with out grace or coordination and often involves a boob flash or underwear reveal followed by hiking up my pants.  Sexy, very sexy. 

6.  I accidentally snort when I laugh, snore when I sleep, and fart when surprised.  All very ladylike I might add, and I giggle when I catch myself doing them.  And then I snort again, which makes me laugh harder, and the cycle continues till I have to pee!

7.  And then there is the issue of my feet.  Sometimes I forget I still  have them, but sure enough those little swollen piggies are down there.  Good thing it's not winter because I can't imagine putting socks and shoes on every day.  You should see me break a sweat and swear a little every time I have to get my compression stockings on.  Lets hope Reagan doesn't come out swearing after all the grumbling she has undoubtedly heard me doing lately. Chet asks "Who are you talking to?"  My response "These *#@$ compression socks won't cooperate!" (Yank, pull, cuse, give him the stink eye)  "Help me!"

8.  Everyone calls me "Mama" and I don't mind.  My friends, co-workers, and even the checkout lady at walmart.  "How you doing Mama?"  "You getting close to your due date Mama?"  There was a time when I would have thought someone was being fresh to call me that word but now the world sees me as a mom!

9.  I am learning how to milk it.  Chet can you grocery shop this week?  Chet do you mind unloading the dishwasher?  Chet can you vacuum in here?  Chet can you help me with dinner.  Chet can  you bring me some more water?  And he does!  What a good hubby! 

10.  I live a glamorous lifestyle.  Last weekend Chet went out for some beers with friends and ended up jamming with Stoney LaRue on his tour bus till 5 am.  Then he took me out to dinner for a big o' steak using a gift card he won during a rib eating contest.  After he evaluated his crazy weekend he declared "I had a rock star weekend".  I told him, "Me too, I got to nap both days!" and I was honestly as thrilled with that as he was with his adventures. 

11.  And what is up with my breathing.  Every thing makes me winded and breathing heavy.  A trip to the bathroom (here we go with struggling with the underwear again), getting off the couch, dressing, showering, walking, thinking about doing anything....
I am breathing like darth vader and all I did was heave myself out of a chair.  This is so normal to me that I barely notice it but Chet often comments about me being pregasarous when he hears me gasping for air.  I have to admit, that's pretty funny.  (I got this great big belly and little tiny hands!)

12.  Lastly is the humor others find in pregnancy.  I read an article the other day talking about recovery after giving birth and it called my lady parts "No longer very private parts" since the whole world gets a peek at them during delivery.  Or when my doctor asked if my nipples were inverted, and since they are capable of poking someones eye out I told him "No, they are very extroverted!"   I think I found this one funnier than he did.  Or Chet rubbing his head trying to make sense of the ultrasound telling the lady "I can't see anything!".  It's all a bunch of funny stuff!

So you already heard my complaints, now you can see some of the stuff that makes me laugh!  I found the cutest pair of ruffled bloomers that made me smile and I adore the headbands and bows I have ready for the little lady.  While I may not enjoy everyday, I can find something fun to laugh at each day.  So it an attempt to scare off my pregnancy grumpiness and fly through the next two-six weeks till her arrival share with me your funny pregnancy stories!   Bonus points if you make me laugh so hard I pee, which is a very good possibility!

1 comment:

  1. This post is so you! I love it. Makes me miss you even more. Hope all is well.