It was a post a friend left on my facebook page a few months ago, in response to a status about dealing with regret. "Grow where you are planted". That is what I have been trying to do lately. I can't change alot about my life right now, so that just leaves acceptance. My prayers aren't for second chances, or do-overs because I know that is just not an option. My prayers focus on finding happiness exactly where I am.
In times of trial, its very easy to indulge in self pity and sadness. I don't doubt for one minute that if I had the chance to do it all again I would rewind to my senior year of high school and do every single thing differently. But that is the value of hindsight, you have the knowledge of the future and wisdom of your mistakes. I would spend more time with my Dad, his sudden passing caught us all off guard. I would have double majored in business and photography, so I could have the information I would need to open my own studio. I would have gone to school by the ocean, instead of always trying to vacation or visit the sea. I would have looked at large public universities, instead of a private college that left me with student loan debt. I would have dated Christian boys, worked out more, kept playing tennis, taken more pictures in undergrad, and moved closer to my family before starting a family. I would have/should have/could have done a lot of things differently.
But I didn't.
So here I am planted in Oklahoma. Trying desperately to grow. I find myself caught in daydreams of the tails I spin if I had done one thing differently. If I had chosen a different college. If I hadn't walked away from a past relationship. If I had accepted a different Graduate Assistantship. Sometimes it blows me away to think how very different my story would be right now if just one decision changed. And yet, those daydreams are toxic. I can't spend anymore time dreaming or wishing for one of those possibilities.
It's not about the mistakes I have made, though I do admit they exist. It's not about what I wish was different. It's definitely not about finding a way to go back in time. I am looking for ways of changing the view from looking back over my shoulder to facing forward. I need to concentrate on making today better for me in ways that are possible.
I may not be blooming yet but I am reaching for the sun.
I saw a sign the other day that said 'It's not the happy people that are thankful, it's the thankful people that are happy". That is my attitude today, thankfulness. Not of empty wishes and pockets full of regrets but of finding the joy that does exist in my life and focusing on love. There is so much to be thankful for, right now and right here.