This has been a hard week. My limits have been tested, my patience has been destroyed, my anger has been flamed, and my strength has been lost. Sometimes I think I am holding it together, and then I cried at the FedEx store because my package was on the truck after I drove 15 minutes to the store. Obviously anyone who sheds tears in the FedEx store cannot be described as "composed" or "functioning".
Things had been going pretty well for a few weeks. My mom visited and with her help I was able to do several projects on my TO DO LIST, that felt really good. I took some great graduation photos and booked a portrait session with another family. The budget was balanced, we even found some great deals at a consignment sale for Reagan. I enjoyed a few days of vacation and even felt, dare I say, rested! Even though the moment was short, I felt I had it somewhat together. And thats when the sky started falling.
If you read my previous post you already know my poor jeep suffered considerable damage when a Loves gas station gave me diesel fuel instead of unleaded gas. In case your wondering, that is bad... very, VERY bad. It has been a nightmare, and now TWO WEEKS LATER things are actually getting worse. The jeep is still a mess, despite two repairs, and has to go back into the shop for more work. I haven't been able to drive it since May 1st. Today, Loves finally followed up with my claim to say "We found no problems with the gas" and have refused to reimburse any repairs or take responsibility for the mistake. Here's the thing: my mechanic who has no reason to lie (we already paid him) found conclusive evidence that the fuel was diesel and the damage that resulted was from that bad gas. In fact he still has the gas in a barrel at his shop because he had to drain the gas tank! And all the repairs we have had done on the jeep are indicative of the damage caused by diesel in a regular engine. So Loves findings are puzzling, what in the world is going on?
I had no choice but to file a claim with my insurance who will now visit the repair shop to confirm the damage and seek attribution from Loves. (AKA - take them to court and fill out a load of paperwork) Liberty Mutual is an awesome company if you are looking for insurance, because not only did they quickly help me but they also arranged for me to get a rental car today and will take care of the rest of the repair costs. As long as the claim adjuster concludes the same thing the mechanic did (please Lord!), they will take care of the repairs, rental car, and reimburse us for the previous work. With the exception of my deductible, I have only lost my sanity during this process. Lets just hope this all comes together because I am about to lose my mind.
A few nights ago, the jeep was parked in the driveway but it sounded like a bag of bolts to start, leaked diesel out the tailpipe and stalled when in idle. Chet's new work evening schedule (AKA the bane of my existence) required him to work 2-midnight or 11-9pm so there was no way I could share a car with him while I work 8-5. We had already paid hundreds of dollars to fix the jeep, and it wasn't fixed. It had been two weeks of me driving the truck with Reagan and I hated taking risks like that when it comes to her safety. We had no money for a rental, we had no idea how to fix the problem, and I had left 3 messages in 3 days without a word back from Loves. To say the situation was stressful was an understatement. I had no idea how to cover more bills, and no plan to remedy the situation. I felt stuck, what was I supposed to do now?
I lost my cool. (Yes, in that order)
And now I am just waiting, stressing and sweating it out to see if the insurance agent will find the same results as the mechanic. If not, all the repairs and the rental car will be my responsibility. This is one of those times that you just have to trust God. It's hard to give it all over to him, but I need to be able to find a way to do that. I am trying to change the way I pray about the situation, I don't want to just ask for these problems to go away. Instead I am asking for the strength to deal with them.
Lord, show me the best way to handle this situation. Help change my anger to patience. Help me behave in a way that you can be proud of even though this is hard and frustrating and desperately unfair. Help me grow through this time of stress. Help me find the way to better prepare my finances so I can move forward in my life. Help keep me and my daughter safe, and help keep me open to learning and loving. Help me find you in this process, show me your path. If this is my burden, help me bear it in your name. If this is my joy, help me celebrate it for you.
I cannot expect perfection in my life, but I can pray for better ways to sleep at night during a time of trial. I won't lie and say I am dealing well with this stress. I AM NOT. I get chest pains from the anxiety and tossed and turned last night not knowing what to do. I could have wished for more money. I could have cursed Loves. I could have lashed out in anger and frustration. But I didn't. I cried and called my mom, and I took it all to the Lord. This too shall pass...